Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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