But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
