He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
