drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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