I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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