mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
