i don't like sucking hair
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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