It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
