It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
