Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
