His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize