I hate your face
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
