Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
