Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
