Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
