He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
