some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
