Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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