I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
