She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
