just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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