Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
