I'm going to jail i love you
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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