When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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