so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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