my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
