You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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