lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
