All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
