remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I need to stop coming to work sober
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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