At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
