I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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