just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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