yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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