You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
