I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
