i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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