Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
