he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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