If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is wine microwaveable?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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