I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
