If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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