meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
