if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
NoShamevember. You game?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
