Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
