I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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