I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
