i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
