oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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