You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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